Retrosexual Rule Book
We have seen waaaaaay too many people forwarding emails and posting bulletins on message boards that deal with rules for men, as written and dreamed up by women. The time has come, folks, for all of that Metrosexual nonsense to take a backseat and let REAL men dictate REAL rules for REAL men.
So without further ado, we now present for your reading pleasure.... The Code for A Retrosexual Man
1. A Retrosexual man, no matter what the women insists, PAYS FOR THE DATE.
2. A Retrosexual DEALS with IT, be it a flat tire, break-in at your home, or a natural disaster, you DEAL WITH IT.
3. A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself.
4. A Retrosexual doesn't worry about living to be 90. It's not how long you live, but how well. If you're 90 years old and still smoking cigars and drinking, I salute you. If you are still having sex, you are a God.
5. A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman. Women have several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need deodorant and shaving gear -- that's it!!
6. A Retrosexual does not dress like a homeboy with baggy pants that drag the ground, or with a gay chain from pocket to pocket. If wearing A hat, he wears it correctly -- not on the side like a faggot.
7. A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if need be. This falls under the "Dealing with it" portion of The Code.
8. A Retrosexual watches no TV show with "Queer" in the title.
9. A Retrosexual does not let neighbors screw up rooms in his house on national TV.
10. A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for women. Some is inevitable, but major reinvention of yourself will only lead to you becoming a handbag carrying little wuss, and in the long run, she ain't worth it.
11. A Retrosexual is only allowed to seek professional help for major mental stress such as drug or alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a freak BBQ accident, favorite sports team being moved to a different city, favorite dog expiring, etc.
12. A Retrosexual does NOT see a shrink because Daddy didn't pay him enough attention. Daddy was busy DEALING WITH IT! When you screwed up, he DEALT with you.
13. A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe Designed to conceal himself from prey.
14. A Retrosexual knows how to tie a Windsor knot when wearing a tie -- and ONLY a Windsor knot.
15. A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about getting. This does not include males who have had cosmetic surgery.
16. A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can't hammer a nail or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until you can or be rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you are.
17. A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that you are riddled with fear. Guns are TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL WITH IT. Plus, it's just plain fun to fire one off in the direction of those people or things that just need a little "waking up."
18. Crying. There are very few reasons that a Retrosexual may cry, and none of them have to do with TV commercials, movies, or soap operas. Sports teams are sometimes a reason to cry, but the preferred method of release is swearing or throwing the remote control. Some reasons a Retrosexual can cry include (but are not limited to) death of a loved one, death of a pet (fish do NOT count as pets in this case), loss of a major body part, or loss of major body part on your Truck.
19. When a Retrosexual is on a crowded bus and or a commuter train, and a pregnant woman, heck, any woman gets on, that Retrosexual stands up and offers his seat to that woman, then looks around at the other so-called men still in their seats with a disgusted "you rude so-and-so" look on his face.
20. A Retrosexual will also give up his seat on a bus to not only any women but any elderly person or person in military dress NOTE:The person in military dress may turn down the offer but the Retrosexual will ALWAYS make the offer to them and thank them for serving their country.
21. A Retrosexual will have hobbies and habits his wife and mother do not understand, but that are essential to his manliness, in that they offset the acceptable manliness decline he suffers when married/engaged or in a serious healthy relationship - i.e., hunting, boxing, shot putting, shooting, cigars, car maintenance and drinking with the boys.
22. A Retrosexual knows how to sharpen his own knives and kitchen utensils.
23. A Retrosexual man can chop down a tree and make it land where he wants. Wherever it lands is where he bloody well wanted it to land. Except on his Truck - that would happen because of a "force of nature", and then the Retrosexual man's options are to Cry, DEAL WITH IT, or do both.
24. A Retrosexual man doesn't need a contract - a handshake is good enough.
25. A Retrosexual man doesn't immediately look to sue someone when he does something stupid and hurts himself. We understand that sometimes in the process of doing things we get hurt and we just........ DEAL WITH IT