St. Patrick's Day Drinking Survival Guide
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St. Patrick's Day Drinking Survival Guide St. Patrick's Day Drinking Survival Guide
St. Patrick's Day Drinking Survival Guide

St. Patrick's Day Drinking Survival Guide

The Home Stretch: 7 p.m. to Closing

Your goal, of course, is to be the last person to leave the bar at closing time. This will be impossible, since a blood alcohol content of .50 usually equals death, and you should be pushing a .35 or .40 by now.

The only way for a true Irishman to leave a bar before closing time with honor is to be hauled away by the police. Throw a punch. It doesn't matter who you hit or why; no one's made any sense since 3 o'clock anyway. You will be beaten mercilessly, since your fine motor control has been gone since the late morning, but it doesn't matter since you can't feel anything.

Depending on your community, the police should arrive within fifteen minutes to scrape you off the floor and clap you in irons. The final impression you leave is the most important: as you are being dragged from the bar, begin screaming that you want to take your drink with you. You will be a legend, and by now the friend who took you to the bar should have had his or her stomach pumped, and will be able to bail you out.

By following these simple guidelines, your St. Patrick's Day experience will be one you will never forget if it weren't physically and biologically impossible for you to remember any of it.

Tune in next month for our next self-help guide: "The Pros and Cons of Waking Up Naked In a Dumpster."


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